A little more sure

Sooooo....I had planned to go into the meeting with the Academic Director to tell him that I was withdrawing from the program. I had decided that I would stay in Paris while Jonathan finished out the school year in his awesome school and I would take language classes and do volunteer work during the day and just wander, wander, wander.

God had other plans.

It's funny, but this weekend when I was praying about whether this decision was truly in His will and not some crazy notion of my own, I felt moved to open up my journal that I write by hand (the real personal personal stuff).  It fell open to a page that I had totally forgotten I'd even put in the journal. I did it a few days before we left to travel to Paris. In it, I laid out again my hopes for the MBA program and the outcome and how things might fall together once we were back in the states.  I was beseeching the Lord to bless these hopes and somehow, in His power and grace, bring them to pass.  Being in a my confused funk, I shrugged off turning to that page and chalked it up to just more evidence that my reasons for being here were lame at best.  However, in hindsight, I believe the Lord let me go to that page to remind me of that prayer and that maybe, just maybe, He heard me and maybe, just maybe, what I was hoping to be the results of being in the program He is indeed willing to bring to pass.

That hindsight came in light of my discussion with the Academic Director.  A very somber, professor type, who barely smiled during our whole conversation, but at the same time exudes a certain kind of warmth and openness.  I was sure to stay alert - posture straight - but I was not intimidated.  When I started my little speech, he gently pulled me back and started talking about options and what we can do to make this work.  There actually is flexibility with the time that I can leave class so that I can pick-up Jonathan from after-school care on time and also possibilities for me to do an Executive MBA e-Learning version of a class rather than face-to-face for those classes that have a Saturday date where I can't find someone to watch Jonathan.  That really was a relief to hear and a blessing from God.  I feel again His stamp of approval.  Why I can't stop battling doubt, fear, dread and anxiety, I don't know.  However, maybe that's also why I'm here - to finally overcome these debilitating emotions from running rampant in my life .

So, onward I go. The first class that I'll be able to take starts on October 23, so I have a week and a half to get that pre-trest written (Lord help me) and get the pre-reading and pre-work done for the class.  I have two short courses this week called academic writing, which should help me get back  up to speed with the whole writing papers things, citing stuff, etc..  I just have to shout hallelujah and give God the Glory for his continual, systematic way of rescuing me from myself!

As a sort of celebration, I had a tasty lunch of good cheese, prosciutto, and other delicacies with a nice Chablis.  Reminding me again of two of the best things - no FOUR of the best things - about being in Paris:  The cheese, the bread, the butter and THE WINE!

And this morning, Jonathan went skipping, skipping to school!  That made me happy. Also I'm so happy that he has TWO beautiful, young ladies for teachers.  There is Mademoiselle Valentine who he has on Thursdays and Fridays.  And on Mondays and Tuesdays, his teacher is Mademoiselle Esla (I love both names).  Another reason to give God the Glory.  This school is a blessing.  Here's a pic of Jonathan in our min-kitchen before going to school today:
 

One note, as I close out this post:  When I picked up Jonathan, Mlle Elsa had to talk to me about how he disrupted the other students while they were trying to take a nap.  He hasn't had nap time since he left his last school at the end of August and they were a lot more touchy feely at that school. They sit the kids in a darkened room with soothing music and lay down next to them,  stroking their backs to help soothe them to sleep.  I didn't get to ask Elsa all the details of how the children are put down, but me-American boy was the outlier today and I pray ONLY today.  I have had my own issues at home getting him to be a lot quieter in his play - we're not in a free-standing home now, we have neighbors to consider.  I have to keep repeating and repeating myself and it's wearisome.  At night he'll talk and talk and sing and make noises and I have to repeat and repeat myself to tell him to be quiet and go to sleep. This weekend he woke up in the middle of the night and did the same thing. This middle of the night stuff is new behavior.

We had several conversations tonight - several - and I think he finally got it.  When I put him down after reading his bedtime story and saying our prayers, he started talking and I said, Jonathan, that will need to be the last word out of your mouth. Please turn over and go to sleep.  And he did!

The Lord has made him the way he has made him and it is all perfectly good and all according to God's plan.  I want to just say that and rejoice in that and I will. I give it to God to manage his behavior because my words, in the final analysis, are not enough, nor are his teachers. It's up to God.  To Him is all power and majesty and He can move Jonathan to act appropriately in different environments. Thank you, Jesus!!!