...Jonathan and I will be in Paris.
Really??
Yeah, Paris. I don't want to waste a lot of time here with the full story of the why we are going (though I probably will), because, honestly, right now, I'm not absolutely sure. I thought I knew, but I don't. In fact, this very moment I'm actually wondering even if we should go. Primary reason: How the heck am I going to handle raising Jonathan in a foreign culture, where I do not speak the language, where he'll be going to a school where he won't understand the language either, so that I can complete a degree for which there is no real guarantee that it will help me to be more marketable once we return to the states - or - in terms of my initial decision to apply to the program - might not help me to achieve the ultimate dream of creating a foundation that supports individuals and organizations that are focused on meeting the spirtual and physical needs of the disadvantaged.
What am I doing?
Earlier this year, I was in a standstill. Not sure what to do next after a pretty traumatic year where my dad suffered a cervical spinal injury that was quite devastating at first (paralyzed from the neck down), but by the grace of God, has developed into him only having the limitation of a wheelchair, with the rest of my dad fully who he was before his unfortunate fall.
I had left IBM in January 2013 with dreams of spending some quality time with Jonathan and being accepted into one of the three PhD in Business programs that I had applied to in late 2012. I got rejected by all three. Then my father's injury and the time and effort related to his care, supporting my mom at home, and raising a toddler, who was diagnosed with a speech delay and who spent most of the year in an early intervention program, pretty much aced out the quality time with Jonathan and the time I thought I would have looking for an alternate career, since my PhD plans had not turned out as hoped.
I thank God that I left IBM, cause the reasons why I thought I was leaving really weren't the reasons the Lord let me go. He sees the end from the beginning, so he saw that my dad's fall was imminent and that I would be needed in a way that my former job would not have allowed. Plus, it turns out if I had not left, I likely would have been laid off, since most of my team, including the best manager I ever had in my whole working life, were laid off in July of 2013.
So, as I mentioned above, I was a standstill earlier this year. Not sure what to do next. My father was pretty settled in a good nursing home, Jonathan was out of early intervention and thriving in his new preschool, my mother was doing well, and my savings were dwindling. I needed to get a job or a new solution for a new career THAT WAS NOT INFORMATION TECHNOLOGY really, really soon.
In March, my In Touch Ministries montly devotional came in the mail and in it was an article written by Joan Ball. Now Joan Ball is a woman who I first encountered in 2012 at a Christian Inspirational seminar called The Collyde Summit. I was rivited by her bio and a simple statement she made about how the Lord always gives us work for which we are not prepared to do. Why? So we can depend completely upon him.
She gave the keynote address at the Summit and was so raw, funny and pinpoint insightful. Her love for Christ and the realness of her abiding relationship with him was captivating. I bought her memoir and read it that night - I did not sleep. She had had this Paul-like conversion experience which radically changed her life and her family's life (her husband too got radically saved). She had been a successful public relations executive and she quit all that to simply pursue Christ, and then through that pursuit, landed in a new career as a professor, eventually obtaining her PhD in Business.
I will admit that it was seeing Joan and reading her memoir which cemented my decision to leave IBM back in 2012, and inspired me to look into pursing a PhD in Business myself. Alas, the 2nd part didn't work out, but I am grateful for the extra push I got from hearing her story to finally leave what was KNOWN to face the big UNKNOWN.
So, here I was reading this article in the InTouch Devotional, and there were more of Joan's quotes related to pursing what you feel you should do and not being worried about if you're prepared to do it or not. And here I was again smack dab up against the big UNKNOWN looking for a way out. Then a thought came to mind: Where did Joan get her PhD? Maybe your dream of changing careers through graduate studies is not dead - go look at the St. Johns Web site (where Joan now teaches) and see where this woman got her PhD.
Now, a bit more background: In 2009, I traveled to London and while there, took the eurotrain to Paris for a one-day trip there. It was literally the most enchanting day of my life next to having Jonathan. Just magical. I walked the length of the city, ending at Notre Dame, after first encountering the majesty of the Eiffel Tower at Twilight. Just amazing. I fell in love - IN LOVE, and the seeds were planted then for a dream to one day be able to spend a longer season in that great city, whether for work or leisure. I never thought for education - but I'm getting ahead of myself here...
In May 2010, I went back for eight days with a girlfriend from work and we had the GREATEST time. Perfect weather every day. We ate like pigs. Drank wine at every meal, save breakfast (and would have if we had been a bit more bold), walked everywhere, and managed to both come home about five pounds lighter (five pounds that I quickly put back on, plus another 30+, because about a week after coming home was when I got knocked up with my sweet Jonathan; alas, another blog, another story...). Anyway, that trip further watered the seeds of my dream to one day LIVE in Paris.
Okay, so I go and check out the St. John's Web site. Turns out Joan got her PhD at this school called "The International School of Management". I go to the Web site. I'm entralled by the school, their approach to teaching, and of course, the location. However, at this point, my savings are dwindling, and though the PhD program appears to be a good one, it's also an expensive one, and I also no longer feel I have the time to waste trying to do that now. I need a job.
However, the MBA program...that was intriguing: Have to go to Paris to complete it. Can finish the coursework there in about 9 months and then return to states to attend a 2 week seminar in NYC and then finish the thesis stateside. If I focus and work the thesis during my 9 months there, I could be done in about a year (though you are given a total of 18 months from program onset to thesis completion). And the MBA is WAY cheaper. This is starting to make a lot of sense to me.
And then I stop myself.
How are you going to do graduate school without some sort of support system? Do you really think you can take Jonathan all the way to Paris and care for him and go to school at the same time? How could you even think about taking him away from your mom? They're so close! And how selfish to want to leave your parents here when they are in great need - you're dad's in a nursing home. Your mom needs your help at home?!
So I squashed it.
Earlier this year, I had started going to Christian therapy cause I really wanted a bit of help with handling Jonathan and dealing with my anger at his rambunctioness, and just dealing with overall stress and I suppose depression. I'm premenapausal, so that wasn't helping any. I'd gained a lot of weight in less than a year, my hair was thinning, my skin was a mess - I was a mess. I needed to talk to someone.
In our first visit, the therapist asked me if there was anything I ever wanted to do and had no restrictions, what would it be. Of course, I said: Move to Paris. We then discussed how I might be able to do it. I mentioned ESL and she said maybe I should look into it. Well, I did, but got unexcited very quickly about that being an option.
After my ISM dreams were squashed, I went to a session mentioning how I had looked into the program but decided not to pursue it, based on all the stuff I mentioned above. Vonetta looked me square in the eye and said "Isn't this what you said was the one thing you really want to do: Live in Paris? It seems that the doors are opening for this to happen. God will take care of your family and Jonathan and you. Go ahead and at least apply to see what happens."
And so I did. And I got accepted. And I got a 50% scholarship. And I decided to take a chance and accept the acceptance. And the Lord kept opening doors:
A great affordable apartment, with a cute, but very dependable and extremely nice owner, name Herve, in what turns out to be a family oriented neighborhood in the 19th arrondissement...
A French preschool s right across the street from the apartment (France has state run preschool that starts for all 3 year olds who are potty trained; it is one of the best preschool systems in the world, and it's FREE; okay - Jonathan is still getting pooped trained, so he's not 100%, but I'm just praying, praying --Lord God, please PLEASE -- get him all the way trained before September 22, when he's supposed to start school there!)...
The Lord blessed me with a 9-week temp assignment after months of trying to get something, even temp work, which perfectly fit the time slot between when I finally accepted the invite to the program and when we need to leave for Paris...
I got two one-way tickets for only 870 (though, we still have to take two trains from UK to Paris, which Jonathan will love). All in all, the travel cost are a fraction of what it would have cost for me to get two one way tickets directly to Paris and I'd much prefer a short flight and two trains than one long flight with an active toddler like Jonathan...
I was blessed with a very easy visa appointment at the French Consulate in NYC, which is known to be a very caustic place, with very disagreeable agents, and we were granted our visas without a hitch (and I was even missing a very important copy of something (the agent let me slide!)). Okay, there is one slight hitch: The visa won't be ready- at the earliest - until the DAY BEFORE we're supposed to leave, but I'm at peace. They WILL be ready. Pluse, we get blessed with another reason to go to NYC to spend the day there - woop woop!
Kay, Jonathan's dad, is very supportive and has no problem with me taking Jonathan overseas...
And my parents: Well, my father was the first I told and he was very supportive at the time, though the past couple of weeks, he's been a bit weepy and sad about it, which isn't helping with the doubt that I alluded to all the way at the top of this long entry! My mom was sketchy at first and upset - even going to an appointment with Kay (he's her cardiologist and primary care physician), pleading with him to tell me that I can't take Jonathan to Paris! However, now she's very cool - and because Jonathan, with each passing day, is turning into a holy terror (more on that in another entry...honestly, I'm afraid, I'll end up back here in the states just because the French School tells me to take him out of there an never come back!), she's sorta looking forward to a bit of peace and quiet --- she'll miss him terribly, but the 6:30 wake up calls "Nana, it's time to get up!" are wearing on her...
So, yes, we're going to Paris. Yes, I thought I knew why, but now I'm not so sure. I don't know if I can handle Jonathan on my own. I don't know if I can do this school work. I don't know if I can negotiate living in this city barely speaking the language. I don't know if I'll like our little studio and the neighborhood and the neighbors. Don't know if I'll like French people when I'm no longer just a tourist. Don't know if Jonathan will scream bloodly murder for the first few months we're there and absoutely hate the school - or - as mentioned above, they can't handle him! I don't know. I don't know. I don't know.
All I know is that the Lord has opened the door - and I'm walking through it. I also know that I took the plunge and did the unthinkable by hitting my 401k (oh no you didn't?! Oh yes I did!), and there's no turning back. Now I might end up back here earlier, but my intentions are to tough it out, under this thick cloud of UNKNOWN, and believe in faith the the Lord WILL take care of everthing and everyone and that we're all gonna grow and be better for this time than if I had not done it at all. I know that He loves me and Jonathan and He will work all things for our good and to His glory.
I know that I have to do this.
So come on! Join us for the ride. I'm sure it's gonna be a doozy!
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